I don’t know what I was thinking…
When I decided I’d add a blog to my site… What do I have to write about, who would read it? Would it matter? Short answer is nothing, no one and no. I have no reason to think anyone would gain any value from my writing. It often feels like hardly anyone gets any value from what I paint. No one pays attention. That’s how it seems. I don’t have any friends (outside of my Wife) I would consider close that live near me and I have no one to sound off to…
Perhaps that might’ve been a reason, perhaps it was a good reason, but so often I find it difficult to be truly candid about my feelings. The curation is burdensome. I have no desire to set assignments for myself, to keep a regular writing schedule… I just feel like I want to let it out, write about what I feel in a particular moment, what passions are driving me, driving my work.
Truth is that at the moment I’m not painting… I’ve had a piece stagnating on the easel for months now. I hardly have the “bandwidth” to work on it. Do I feel guilty about it? No. This slow down is temporary because I’m working on a kids book, legitimately, with an actual publisher and everything. I’m pouring every ounce of my soul into it, every little bit of myself. And it’s something I’m doing for money, well not JUST for money, but because I feel compelled to, because I feel it is right that I do.
Shortly before I started on this project, literally months before, I had already slowed down with painting. I was burned out and deeply disillusioned. I’d spent a few years painting in earnest, producing piece after piece, posting, showing work, amassing a following. I sold some pieces, but hardly enough to keep me afloat. On the contrary, I was spending more out of my own pocket to frame, pack and ship the work to shows. The whole ecosystem of doing art shows etc. is hardly ever to the financial benefit of the Artist. Perhaps it’s the reason why any Artist that is in any way marginally “successful” is already independently wealthy to some extent. I am not, and the overhead was causing me to bleed money. Thats when I truly decided that painting would be for me and me only. I’ll share it when I want, or not share it at all. If anybody out there felt compelled to show it then it would need to be at THEIR expense or not at all. I was tired of footing that bill.
That’s around when I started back on illustration. And truly, illustration was my first love as a child. I had no lofty goals of being an Artiste with a capital A. I just wanted to draw for the rest of my life, and it is what I am doing, come hell or high water.